In my last post we met Matt. Things had been going well through three dates, and I was hopeful that maybe my bad luck in dating had finally run out. Let’s find out what happened next.
My dates with Matt continued from summer into fall, and I slowly became more and more smitten. We seemed to fit together really well. We could be goofy one moment, and serious the next. We could sit comfortably in silence and just enjoy each other’s presence or talk together about various topics. When we were together, I felt comfortable and happy for the first time in a long time.
The one thing that began to bother me was that Matt was not really much for texting or calling between dates. At first, this wasn’t such a big deal as we were getting to know each other slowly, and the introvert in me is perfectly happy not being bombarded all day every day with messages from someone I’m just getting to know. But as things began to turn more serious, I found myself wishing for a message here and there asking how my week was going or whatever. Our dates were only happening about once a week between our busy schedules. I began forcing myself not to text him to see how long it took before he would reach out to me. Often we made it to day 3 or 4 before I broke down and messaged him. Even then, the bulk of our conversations only centered around when or what our next date might be.
I spent a lot of time analyzing what this meant with friends, and making excuses for how he was so busy with work and working out and studying for a test that would get him a promotion. I was in a beautiful relationship bubble, and no matter how much the signs were blinking in neon lights that something was wrong, I didn’t want to burst the bubble. I reasoned that he just wasn’t that experienced in relationships, and just needed a little nudge in the right direction. I planned out how I might bring this up in conversation. Although we were spending a decent amount of time together, we hadn’t really had a conversation about whether we were officially in a relationship or not seeing other people. And even though that’s clearly what I wanted, I also didn’t want to rush that conversation. I tried to figure out how to address it in a non-confrontational way. I would plan out what I wanted to say and practice in my head. And then when we would get together, and things would be so lovely that I would clam up. The date was going great. I didn’t want to ruin what we already had, and I could never seem to allow myself to speak up about what wasn’t working for me.
So on things went with our dates. We continued to explore our physical relationship slowly going a little further with each date. Clothes started coming off. Every time we got together, I would lower my guard a little bit more. First a shirt, then a bra, then pants. This slow build up had me feeling comfortable moving ahead and eagerly wanting more.
On one particularly fun date, we went to see a comedy show and stopped for dinner afterwards at this new adult food court. (Think the fast food version of korean, mediterranean, and other foods with a beer garden in the middle.) As we made our way back to Matt’s place, I knew this was the night we were going to have sex for the first time. Things started out as normal, making out, slowly working our way to various states of undress and arousal. I think Matt could feel it too, and when he asked “What do you want now?” and I responded with “I want you.” well let’s just say he did not disappoint.
And he continued to not disappoint in that area throughout our relationship. He was always eager. I was always satisfied. Unfortunately this only made it harder for me to bring up my issues about our lack of communication. I kept liking him more and more and increasingly didn’t want to ruin a good thing. We still never talked about being an official couple or exclusive even though we were spending nights together and getting busy between the sheets at all hours. So how could I know what he thought? My mind began to wonder if he wasn’t doing the same with someone else on other nights of the week? Was his lack of communication because he was juggling more than one girl? I honestly doubt it, but the thought definitely crossed my mind a few times.
The beginning of the end
On what would be one of our final dates (you didn’t actually think this was going to end well, did you?), Matt had invited me over to his place. He cooked dinner for me, and then we hung out with some of his roommates for the first time. It was a nice and relaxing evening and felt very perfectly couple-y with some of his roommates girlfriends also being there.
By the next weekend, Matt was feeling sick and we went a couple of weeks without a date and of course with barely any communication. When we finally met again for dinner one weeknight, he seemed totally uninterested in anything I said. He rambled on about his boring charts and spreadsheet and studying at work while I listened and sympathized appropriately. Then when it was my turn to talk, he was staring off into the distance and suddenly had a migraine and had to leave. There was no hand holding or sweet kissing that night. Just an abrupt end to a really short dinner date. The following weekend I went out of town for a girl’s weekend and after getting home from the trip, I text him to see how he was doing.
- Me: Hey what’s up?
- Matt: Not much just doing laundry
- Me: Ohh how exciting lol
- Matt: I know right
- Me: Yep. So are we gonna try to hang out again sometime?
After no response for hours.
- Me: Honestly I’m so confused
And nothing…. Gone in the night like a modern day ghost.
A few days later, I sent him this.
- Me: So I guess you are not interested in seeing me anymore. I don’t really know how to interpret your non response. I wish you could have at least had enough respect to say so instead of leaving me hanging.
Hmmph! If you’ve been in the dating world in recent years, you know this type of ghosting has become a more common thing, but its truly the most awful way for things to end. I was left to wallow in my sorrows for a while. I had no closure, and I had a hard time letting go of this one. I was heartbroken, confused, and angry. I was angry with him for leaving me hanging, and I was angry with myself for never bringing up the issues I had. Instead I felt like I had let myself get strung along and just dropped on someone else’s schedule. As sad as it made me to have to let this one go, it also taught me an important lesson about standing up for myself and speaking up when I had something to say. This relationship wasn’t perfect, and only lasted a couple months, but it did teach me quite a few lessons. Some that I didn’t even know about yet.
Until next time,