If you’ve been following along, you know things have been going a bit back and forth between Matt and I. Now that he’s returned and seems to be interested in giving our relationship another try, I’m feeling cautiously optimistic. If you haven’t read any of the story so far, you may want to go back to Part 1 and start from the beginning.
New Year’s Day Plans
After agreeing to see where things were going to go with talking again, Matt was pretty good about texting with me every few days while I was home over Christmas. After hoping for some New Year’s Eve magic, but learning that Matt was out of town, he invited me over to his place on New Year’s Day when he got back into town. I nervously waited around all day wondering how this was going to go. Would it be weird or awkward? Would it be wonderful and bring back all the chemistry we had before? I just didn’t know.
Unfortunately Matt got stuck in awful traffic on his way back into town, and so the anticipation only grew. Surprisingly, he didn’t back out and cancel on me even though he got back late. I was pleased with that, and so after the long build-up, I found myself on Matt’s couch with a glass of wine exchanging pleasantries like we were old friends who hadn’t seen each other in a while.
Change of Scenery
Although Matt lived in the same place, when I arrived I found out that he had moved into a different room. A roommate shake-up had left the basement room free, and Matt had scooped it up. This change of scenery added a few perks in my opinion. It had its own mini living room with enough space for a couch and tv, and best of all it had its own bathroom separate from the rest of the house. It was like a mini suite in the bachelor pad. And thankfully no more worrying about running into other roommates on your way to the bathroom.
So back to the date. We were enjoying our wine, chatting easily, and watching college football bowl games. This is pretty much my picture of a perfect date night right there. Before I know it, we’ve slowly edged closer together on the couch, and a sneaky arm around my shoulder leads its way to Matt going in for a kiss. I let myself revel in the kissing for a few minutes. It was just as lovely as I remembered, but then I had to pull away, and get a little clarification of what was going on here.
“I thought we were just being friends,” I said.
“Well, that changed kind of quickly,” Matt said. “So, do you want to try things again?.”
I confirm that he means that we are actually going to be dating, exclusively, and as Matt agrees, I am crossing my fingers that getting this second chance is what we needed to make this work. So we get back to making out on the couch, and I am swept back to when we first began dating, and kissing was so much fun. I begin getting tingles all over, and I can easily tell that my body wants more, but I am hesitant not to go too far. After all, I can’t just completely forget the heartbreak that happened before so Matt’s definitely going to have to earn back his right to get me between the sheets again.
Same Story, Different Date
At the end of the evening, Matt is already getting greedy about when he will get to see me again. He wants to get together again the next night, but I push him off until later in the week. The night that we are supposed to meet, I am waiting for his text to let me know that he’s on his way home from work, and when it finally comes, he tries to cancel.
He claims to be exhausted from getting up early to workout before work and then staying late at work to study for an upcoming test. I guess this would be a good time to mention that this was part of our problem before too. He worked in finance, and was very focused on taking tests that would help him advance as a project manager and more in his career. Having ambition to do well in his career was obviously something that I liked about him, but when it took up all of your free time for months at a time, it was kind of a relationship killer. But learning from past mistakes, I didn’t just say ok and get sad at home by myself. I let him know that it was not ok to continually make plans and cancel at the last minute. So, even if I don’t get to stay for long, I am still coming over.
Of course, once I was there, things were fine. We had some wine, cuddled, and began kissing. When the couch got uncomfortable, we moved to the bed. Matt still hadn’t proved himself nearly enough yet, but we were both definitely wanting more than just making out. Things began to get about as hot and heavy as they could get with our clothes on, and I kept pushing until Matt complained that I was teasing him. Yes. Yes I was. Thank you very much. We ended up having a very PG sleepover, and Matt skipped his early morning workout to cuddle longer with me.
Things continue to go well over the next couple of weeks. There is communication between visits, and we have a movie date. Then Matt has to make an unexpected trip home because his dad is sick. Bummer but understandable of course. The next weekend, I am away on a trip with my sister, and when I get back, he is busy, but wants to make time for me one evening that week. After going a couple days without hearing much from him, or making a specific plan for when to meet, I’m getting fed up again. So I decide instead of just waiting for a response to my text, to just call Matt. He seems surprised, but we talk for a few minutes. He’s tired from once again working late to study. He agrees to come over to my place the next night.
Sadly, he forgot to mention that this was going to be less date, and more heartbreak. We sit on the couch and chat, but I can tell pretty quickly that there’s a different energy in the room. Matt seems distant, and doesn’t want to cuddle at all. He finally starts talking and says he doesn’t think he can do this. He’s too busy, and I deserve something better. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? He spends a few minutes trying to make himself not look like the bad guy, claiming I deserve someone better. (That’s obviously becoming clear). But I’m steaming mad, and I throw it right back at him. If he really cared, he would make time for me. He knew his schedule was busy so why did he agree to try this again? He is the one who wanted it, and just like that he is throwing it away. I’m hurt, pissed, and angry. I tell him if he walks out the door and leaves it like this, don’t ever try to get me back again. He says fine and walks out like I was just another to do item on his checklist that day.
I wasn’t as heartbroken as the first time because I didn’t really fully let myself fall for him again, but I was pissed as hell that I let him come back in so easy and that he just threw it all away like he didn’t give a damn. On the roller coaster of emotions and stories I tried to tell myself for why this wasn’t working, I now started to believe more fully that he was only really in it for the sex. He came back to me when he was lonely. He played the game, pretending like he cared about me long enough to get me back. But then, I was playing hard to get, making him earn it back, and he didn’t want to do the work, so he just dropped me. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. So much for second chances.
Shockingly, this is not where our story end. And what happened next just confirmed my suspicions even more than before.
A few months go by, and I’m the one feeling lonely. I find myself wanting someone to just have fun with, and my mind drifts to Matt. We did always have a good connection physically, and I knew he wouldn’t want anything more from me. The only question was, could I separate my emotions from him enough to keep it casual?
This was incredibly new territory for me, so with butterflies in my stomach, I sent out a feeler text figuring that he never wanted to talk to me again, and I wouldn’t get a response. But what do you know, he responds rather quickly. I push aside my nerves to see if he wants to get together that evening. He is quick to point out that he’s not looking to get back together with me. (Yeah I could’ve called that.) I assure him that’s not what I want either. Just a night of fun. And that is what we had. Raw, primal, some dirty talk, and each of us helping the other to a satisfying experience.
When it’s all finished, I excuse myself from the cuddling pretty quickly and declare it time to go. This was just a fun night after all, and I didn’t need to go getting attached again. Although it was a fun night, I didn’t really know if it would lead to a more permanent friends with benefits thing or not. And to be honest, I wasn’t sure if I wanted that or not. A couple of weeks later, Matt lets me know that he’d be interested in getting together again if I wanted. (Great, hot, unattached sex- yeah I bet you’d like more of that.) And so it happens a couple more times- a casual fuck buddy. Not something I ever envisioned I would have, but I commit myself to enjoying it while it lasts. Although I continue dating while this is going on, I’m hitting another string of bad luck with dates, and that just keeps me going back for more. I begin thinking again about the what if’s and fantasizing about how maybe Matt would change his mind and realize that he wanted me back. I knew this was dangerous territory, and so I began trying to pull back a bit from our casual hook-ups.
Late one night after watching a rom-com and drinking some wine, Matt’s name pops up on my phone again. It had been a couple months since our last meet-up, and I had been doing so good with trying to keep him out of my mind. It was after 11pm, awfully late for a booty call in a world where he usually goes to bed by 9. I ask what’s up and he says “Well if you ever want some company let me know.” Oh really? Some company? Naked… in my bed? “Great.” I say I’ll think about it and will myself to text him the next day saying no thank you. But as hard as I try to resist, and as conflicted as I still am, I ask when he’s coming over to keep me company? “We’ll have to schedule something” he says. Damn. Only this guy can manage to make a casual friends with benefits hookup sound like a board meeting that needs an appointment time. We end up making our “appointment,” but the fun times have lost a bit of luster.
That ends up being the last time we hook up. I called things off after that, saying I needed to focus more on finding dates with guys who actually wanted to pursue a relationship with me. My friends with benefits experiment was fun while it lasted, but my emotions really weren’t prepared to deal with that type of set-up long term.
So, back to the dating grind. More searching, swiping, and liking to come.